1. |
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Thanksgiving night, shirtless on the bed,
Things we should have said.
And when you called my name, it felt like pulling on a thread,
Things we should have said.
Bare feet in the bath, cold water in July,
Things we should have said.
But when I held your hips, I couldn’t look you in the eye,
Things we should have said.
But all that I am,
Is all that I’ve done,
Is all I want to say before the night has run.
All that I am,
Is all that I’ve done,
It’s all I want to say before the night has run.
Hanging on a landline, shaking at my limbs,
Silences we did.
And when you pushed the doorbell, I ran and hid.
I felt just like a kid.
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2. |
Hard Heart
04:29
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You’ve got a hard heart for a little girl
Pulling hair like tape, eyes white as pearls
Picking potted plants with your sticky hands
My tongue pedals “don’t”, but you don’t understand.
You’ve had a slow start for a little boy
You can’t stand for pain, can’t sit for joy
So you lisp and twist like a cresting wave
You can run outdoors, but can’t get away.
When your dad picks you up,
He won’t say a word.
You’ve got some strong arms for a little girl
Gripping on to me like you hold the world
With the loudest smile and the longest sounds
I can hold you up; you won’t touch the ground.
You’ve got a big mouth for a little boy
You’re as rough with words as you are with toys
Yet you write our names in the lunchyard dirt
You don’t want a hug, but you don’t want to hurt.
I rush up to your mom before she pulls you away
But she won’t believe that you had a good day.
But who do I think that I am
To say you can’t go outside?
What am I trying to hide?
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3. |
Nowhere & Everywhere
04:20
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I had fallen down in your sister’s room
On the hardwood floor, in a lukewarm gloom
And I forced myself to get up at last
But deep down I wanted you to see me like that.
I had fallen down in your sister’s room
With the weight of a year in an afternoon
And I found myself, teary eyed, crossed legs,
Took satisfied sips but I chocked on the dregs.
Is this forgetting, or remembering too much?
Am I holding onto something I can’t touch?
Keep falling for the fallacy of practicality
Each time I see the clock, think it’s mistreating me
Am I a victim of physicality
The hours melt the more I hold to your hand sporadically
And let your eyes
Lead me…
I’m feeling older now
That we say goodnight, and we go to sleep
I’m feeling older now
Our apologies work less frantically
I’m feeling older now
Used to baggy eyes,
Shocked by puzzled peace
I’m feeling older now
That I look at you
And I see myself
Nowhere and everywhere
But she comes around like an open hand
She comes around like a marching band
She comes around like an open hand
She comes around like a marching band
I’m feeling younger now
As I’m stuttering, spitting out my words
I’m feeling younger now
Words you speak too soft, I pretend I’ve heard
I’m feeling younger now
Lilliputian laughs resurrecting me
I’m feeling younger now
Stung with senseless hope in the things we’ll be
Nowhere and everywhere!
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4. |
Collections
07:00
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We kept impressive collections as kids
Everything from bottle caps to bandages
Stored pennies behind the door,
Kept rocks at the back of the drawer,
We rarely reached for them
But we think of them now
In old peanut butter jars,
Glaring up with dusty frowns
Such a mess—
What should we collect next?
We drank hot chocolate on the bed
Grew warm and sweet as daytime flew
We saw the ceiling lights as misplaced stars
Contorting like an ampersand
We joined our constellation hands
The sun would have to reach to stand us up
“do you want to know me?”
We laughed until we both resolved
To drink my first-time alcohol
But poured it down the drain, and drew a bath
We smiled and locked the bathroom latch
With egg-white eyes, as evening hatched,
Reached forward for her back as we fell down
In harmony
Not ready to go yet
“want go to my bed?
do you want to know me?”
But when we’re far apart and our love goes blind
Only laughter can keep us over the line
And I regret when I made a joke about dying
And over the phone heard the faintest of crying
I just want to get off
Off the line, off the clock—
I pushed the cork into the wine,
Sucked down quick sips with bitter cries,
Drunk as the day I was born
I folded up all seven times
And pawed away the ninth of lives
My old collected thoughts stashed far away
The honesty:
Thumbs-up as my thumb bled
“can we go to my bed?
i’ve never felt so sleepy
never felt so sleepy
never felt so…”
I’m sorry that I’m so
Distressed—
But are you really trying your best?
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5. |
57810
01:16
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6. |
Her & I
05:08
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Her and her friends blazed up in the kitchen
And I tried to hard to look away
Denim jacket and Birkenstocks
Hardly dressed for winter walk
But she was laughing
Skinny purple dress
I’d never seen her dress in dresses before—or since
And we addressed each other questions
As the stars undressed the sky
Her and I, her and I
I was the one who’d
Always leave early
So much it became a joke
“You just got here, well that just fine,
Maybe stay for ten minutes next time”
But she was laughing,
So I stayed…
She was laughing,
So I stayed…
But all of our friends make
Overwhelming noise
All of our friends make
Overwhelming noise
Blame it on the full moon—I fell in luck with you
Back into the armchair
Jumped up at nearly midnight—you drew me to the corner
(very little light),
You drew me to the corner of your mouth
Playing with my fingers at your sides
Up the stairs where very little light resides
Ten nine eight seven six five four three towards you
One step at a time,
Go her and I, her and I
Her and I, her and I
She led me there
Thinner air
She let me—
But all of our friends had blazed
Up in the kitchen
And I was dying to forget
Foolish things we think we need just to get by
Her and I, her and I
Hand on my arm
My hand on her thigh
Her and I, her and I…
She was talking
Scratchy little sounds
I’d never heard her talk so softly before…
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7. |
Stranger
04:12
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You said soften up your eyes and let me
See what lies behind them
You said don’t mind me
Don’t mind—meanwhile
I look to find what lurks between
Your brain and your skirt
As I flirt with possibilities
Of intruding on your misery
Well, I don’t do well with mystery
But stranger, things will happen yet
You said
You can use those fingers
Any way you can imagine
Don’t tread the sides with me
You can cross lines with—meanwhile
My crossword hands don’t understand
The letters they align
You said come find me
Well, I’m ready for anything
Steady me close my eyes
…Do you have the time?
Oh, she said her room is a very dark place
Where we could both eventually escape
But I don’t believe it
I don’t think we need it
But I already wasted my two cents
On flowers
Mustard yellow, cheap as dust
The small acts
You devour
Sour silent kisses at your open door
Please scream it
They don’t know about it
Upsleeve it
They won’t know about it
Don’t leave it
Don’t leave me alone
Let’s pick some ordinary time
To speak about it
Let’s choose some ordinary time
To laugh about it
Let’s set some ordinary time
To talk about it
Let’s find some ordinary time
It looked so easy,
Until her hands were on me.
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8. |
What A Place To Rest
07:23
|
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Scissors on the concrete
In a basement fresh from flooding
I do my best to say it
But I end up saying nothing
As our eight limbs intertwine
And what we find is not refusing
And what I know I keep on losing
And so shallow is the breathing in the deep end.
Is this leaving, without parting?
Am I hurting, without harming?
Oh, and maybe someday I’ll say that I won’t stay too long
And then be gone before the dawn
But for now I keep your little hands in mine
If only it were enough
We wouldn’t have to
We wouldn’t want to
Hide upstairs
And on the bed we fall into our arms
And with her body barely far I rarely have to feel any harm
And with chapped lips I let it slip that I wish we’d never part
From where we are
But what a place to rest
In the nest, with the least of worries, and
What a place to rest
In the mouth of the beast
But I let it slip behind
Though I rarely compromise
But the times to come are yet
With her head against my neck
With her head against my neck
Is that a secret? May I keep it?
I will wear it though I could not bear to speak it.
But people see it, and people taste it,
People lick and stare but wouldn’t dare embrace it.
Is that a warning? Or more redundant?
Are we ever alone when stones thrown are abundant?
And even loved ones, with their embraces,
Can strangle morning in their caring hands and faces.
As night erases all sense of patience
(What am I allowed to feel right now? What am I allowed to feel?)
Our hands are full, our eyes are vacant
(What am I allowed to feel right now? What am I allowed to feel?)
Just so determined to cage a feeling
(What am I allowed to feel right now? What am I allowed to feel?)
That I would take a blank page and make it revealing
(What am I allowed to feel right now? What am I allowed to feel?)
But I
Have no need to be starved for meaning
As I
Look upon your face as though it were the first time...oh, and
I don’t know what to say, no,
I don’t know what to do
So I’ll just stare at you.
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9. |
Lipstick
06:35
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And I’m older, I’m older, I’m older
Than I’ve ever been before
And I’m colder, I’m colder, I’m colder
Than the frost upon your front door
And we’re shoulder to shoulder to shoulder
To shoulder to shoulder to shoulder to shoulder
Oh, I should have told her, I told her,
I told her nothing
How do lips stick, how does lipstick stick to your lips?
How do lips stick, how does lipstick stick to your lips?
As lights stream ahead, green screen dreams of your bed
Make me sleepy
The moon was out bright, but now it’s out like a light
And I’m weepy
You kiss me goodbye, you kiss me on the eye,
And I’m temporarily blinded
Your body lies directly under your eyes
As I’m constantly reminded
And I’m naked under my dreams
And you tear them off me like bed sheets
When you’re sleepless ‘til morning
And you say: “I didn’t call to fight!”
So I took all my bones, and made myself a fort in the forest
And there all the trees welcomed me with a river of stones
My feet were so worn that I took them off as I went swimming
And I,
Swear that I’m growing for better
I swear that I’m growing for better…
And I told her, I told her, I told her,
That I’d never be much more
That I’m older, I’m older, I’m older,
But my hinges are still sore
And she laughed it off,
And the skin was soft,
And I sank and thought:
“You might be the greatest in everyone”.
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