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Pigeon

by Samson Wrote

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    CD wallets are printed on 100% recycled material and printed in Guelph. Inks used in the booklets are risograph printed by Colour Code in Toronto, a printing method with less environmental impact than other modern printing methods.

    Artwork and design by Anita Cazzola.

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1.
Thanksgiving night, shirtless on the bed, Things we should have said. And when you called my name, it felt like pulling on a thread, Things we should have said. Bare feet in the bath, cold water in July, Things we should have said. But when I held your hips, I couldn’t look you in the eye, Things we should have said. But all that I am, Is all that I’ve done, Is all I want to say before the night has run. All that I am, Is all that I’ve done, It’s all I want to say before the night has run. Hanging on a landline, shaking at my limbs, Silences we did. And when you pushed the doorbell, I ran and hid. I felt just like a kid.
2.
Hard Heart 04:29
You’ve got a hard heart for a little girl Pulling hair like tape, eyes white as pearls Picking potted plants with your sticky hands My tongue pedals “don’t”, but you don’t understand. You’ve had a slow start for a little boy You can’t stand for pain, can’t sit for joy So you lisp and twist like a cresting wave You can run outdoors, but can’t get away. When your dad picks you up, He won’t say a word. You’ve got some strong arms for a little girl Gripping on to me like you hold the world With the loudest smile and the longest sounds I can hold you up; you won’t touch the ground. You’ve got a big mouth for a little boy You’re as rough with words as you are with toys Yet you write our names in the lunchyard dirt You don’t want a hug, but you don’t want to hurt. I rush up to your mom before she pulls you away But she won’t believe that you had a good day. But who do I think that I am To say you can’t go outside? What am I trying to hide?
3.
I had fallen down in your sister’s room On the hardwood floor, in a lukewarm gloom And I forced myself to get up at last But deep down I wanted you to see me like that. I had fallen down in your sister’s room With the weight of a year in an afternoon And I found myself, teary eyed, crossed legs, Took satisfied sips but I chocked on the dregs. Is this forgetting, or remembering too much? Am I holding onto something I can’t touch? Keep falling for the fallacy of practicality Each time I see the clock, think it’s mistreating me Am I a victim of physicality The hours melt the more I hold to your hand sporadically And let your eyes Lead me… I’m feeling older now That we say goodnight, and we go to sleep I’m feeling older now Our apologies work less frantically I’m feeling older now Used to baggy eyes, Shocked by puzzled peace I’m feeling older now That I look at you And I see myself Nowhere and everywhere But she comes around like an open hand She comes around like a marching band She comes around like an open hand She comes around like a marching band I’m feeling younger now As I’m stuttering, spitting out my words I’m feeling younger now Words you speak too soft, I pretend I’ve heard I’m feeling younger now Lilliputian laughs resurrecting me I’m feeling younger now Stung with senseless hope in the things we’ll be Nowhere and everywhere!
4.
Collections 07:00
We kept impressive collections as kids Everything from bottle caps to bandages Stored pennies behind the door, Kept rocks at the back of the drawer, We rarely reached for them But we think of them now In old peanut butter jars, Glaring up with dusty frowns Such a mess— What should we collect next? We drank hot chocolate on the bed Grew warm and sweet as daytime flew We saw the ceiling lights as misplaced stars Contorting like an ampersand We joined our constellation hands The sun would have to reach to stand us up “do you want to know me?” We laughed until we both resolved To drink my first-time alcohol But poured it down the drain, and drew a bath We smiled and locked the bathroom latch With egg-white eyes, as evening hatched, Reached forward for her back as we fell down In harmony Not ready to go yet “want go to my bed? do you want to know me?” But when we’re far apart and our love goes blind Only laughter can keep us over the line And I regret when I made a joke about dying And over the phone heard the faintest of crying I just want to get off Off the line, off the clock— I pushed the cork into the wine, Sucked down quick sips with bitter cries, Drunk as the day I was born I folded up all seven times And pawed away the ninth of lives My old collected thoughts stashed far away The honesty: Thumbs-up as my thumb bled “can we go to my bed? i’ve never felt so sleepy never felt so sleepy never felt so…” I’m sorry that I’m so Distressed— But are you really trying your best?
5.
57810 01:16
6.
Her & I 05:08
Her and her friends blazed up in the kitchen And I tried to hard to look away Denim jacket and Birkenstocks Hardly dressed for winter walk But she was laughing Skinny purple dress I’d never seen her dress in dresses before—or since And we addressed each other questions As the stars undressed the sky Her and I, her and I I was the one who’d Always leave early So much it became a joke “You just got here, well that just fine, Maybe stay for ten minutes next time” But she was laughing, So I stayed… She was laughing, So I stayed… But all of our friends make Overwhelming noise All of our friends make Overwhelming noise Blame it on the full moon—I fell in luck with you Back into the armchair Jumped up at nearly midnight—you drew me to the corner (very little light), You drew me to the corner of your mouth Playing with my fingers at your sides Up the stairs where very little light resides Ten nine eight seven six five four three towards you One step at a time, Go her and I, her and I Her and I, her and I She led me there Thinner air She let me— But all of our friends had blazed Up in the kitchen And I was dying to forget Foolish things we think we need just to get by Her and I, her and I Hand on my arm My hand on her thigh Her and I, her and I… She was talking Scratchy little sounds I’d never heard her talk so softly before…
7.
Stranger 04:12
You said soften up your eyes and let me See what lies behind them You said don’t mind me Don’t mind—meanwhile I look to find what lurks between Your brain and your skirt As I flirt with possibilities Of intruding on your misery Well, I don’t do well with mystery But stranger, things will happen yet You said You can use those fingers Any way you can imagine Don’t tread the sides with me You can cross lines with—meanwhile My crossword hands don’t understand The letters they align You said come find me Well, I’m ready for anything Steady me close my eyes …Do you have the time? Oh, she said her room is a very dark place Where we could both eventually escape But I don’t believe it I don’t think we need it But I already wasted my two cents On flowers Mustard yellow, cheap as dust The small acts You devour Sour silent kisses at your open door Please scream it They don’t know about it Upsleeve it They won’t know about it Don’t leave it Don’t leave me alone Let’s pick some ordinary time To speak about it Let’s choose some ordinary time To laugh about it Let’s set some ordinary time To talk about it Let’s find some ordinary time It looked so easy, Until her hands were on me.
8.
Scissors on the concrete In a basement fresh from flooding I do my best to say it But I end up saying nothing As our eight limbs intertwine And what we find is not refusing And what I know I keep on losing And so shallow is the breathing in the deep end. Is this leaving, without parting? Am I hurting, without harming? Oh, and maybe someday I’ll say that I won’t stay too long And then be gone before the dawn But for now I keep your little hands in mine If only it were enough We wouldn’t have to We wouldn’t want to Hide upstairs And on the bed we fall into our arms And with her body barely far I rarely have to feel any harm And with chapped lips I let it slip that I wish we’d never part From where we are But what a place to rest In the nest, with the least of worries, and What a place to rest In the mouth of the beast But I let it slip behind Though I rarely compromise But the times to come are yet With her head against my neck With her head against my neck Is that a secret? May I keep it? I will wear it though I could not bear to speak it. But people see it, and people taste it, People lick and stare but wouldn’t dare embrace it. Is that a warning? Or more redundant? Are we ever alone when stones thrown are abundant? And even loved ones, with their embraces, Can strangle morning in their caring hands and faces. As night erases all sense of patience (What am I allowed to feel right now? What am I allowed to feel?) Our hands are full, our eyes are vacant (What am I allowed to feel right now? What am I allowed to feel?) Just so determined to cage a feeling (What am I allowed to feel right now? What am I allowed to feel?) That I would take a blank page and make it revealing (What am I allowed to feel right now? What am I allowed to feel?) But I Have no need to be starved for meaning As I Look upon your face as though it were the first time...oh, and I don’t know what to say, no, I don’t know what to do So I’ll just stare at you.
9.
Lipstick 06:35
And I’m older, I’m older, I’m older Than I’ve ever been before And I’m colder, I’m colder, I’m colder Than the frost upon your front door And we’re shoulder to shoulder to shoulder To shoulder to shoulder to shoulder to shoulder Oh, I should have told her, I told her, I told her nothing How do lips stick, how does lipstick stick to your lips? How do lips stick, how does lipstick stick to your lips? As lights stream ahead, green screen dreams of your bed Make me sleepy The moon was out bright, but now it’s out like a light And I’m weepy You kiss me goodbye, you kiss me on the eye, And I’m temporarily blinded Your body lies directly under your eyes As I’m constantly reminded And I’m naked under my dreams And you tear them off me like bed sheets When you’re sleepless ‘til morning And you say: “I didn’t call to fight!” So I took all my bones, and made myself a fort in the forest And there all the trees welcomed me with a river of stones My feet were so worn that I took them off as I went swimming And I, Swear that I’m growing for better I swear that I’m growing for better… And I told her, I told her, I told her, That I’d never be much more That I’m older, I’m older, I’m older, But my hinges are still sore And she laughed it off, And the skin was soft, And I sank and thought: “You might be the greatest in everyone”.

about

After 8 years of songwriting, daydreaming, collapsing, and recollecting, Samson Wrote (the experimental folk project of Sam Boer) is overjoyed to share Pigeon, a collection of songs about how familial upbringing affects the most intimate moments of life. These are stories about camp counselling, substance abuse, sexual perplexity, New Year’s parties, hot chocolate, bandages, groping, and all the things we should have said. There are kisses overlooking the Speed river, dances along Yonge street, weeping on hardwood floors and sighs in bedsheets. The songs on Pigeon are in deference to young adulthood, and serve as an acceptant embrace of past selves.

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Recorded at Vapor Music (Toronto); Trinity United Church (Guelph); Ajay & Sheila’s house (Guelph); and several other places.

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Thank you to all the brilliant, beautiful people who contributed to the making of this album.

Special thanks to my family (mom, dad, J) for showing me love on our many adventures, and Anita for reminding me to celebrate life on this earth every day.

This album is dedicated to Loretta, Ronald, and Tony - we passed like ships in the night.

This project was funded in part by the Ontario Arts Council, an important organization supporting innovative art.

This project was recorded on the traditional territory of many nations including the Mississaugas of the Credit, the Anishnabeg, the Chippewa, the Haudenosaunee and the Wendat peoples.

credits

released February 22, 2019

Sam Boer - Vocals, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, piano, synthesizers, omnichord, organ, recorders, percussion, electric bass

Jillian Sauerteig - Cello
Andrew Jin-kyo Chung - Viola
Molefe Mohamid-Mitchell - Violin
Hunab-Ku Felix Flores - Violin
Sam Fitzpatrick - Double Bass

Anita Cazzola - Vocals

David Worthen - Electric Bass

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David Worthen - Production, engineering, mixing

Sam Boer - Production, songwriting

Cory Allen - Mastering

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Jillian Sauerteig - String arrangements

Anita Cazzola - Album artwork + layout

Matisse A-M - Video

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Samson Wrote Guelph, Ontario

Unusual folk about usual feelings.

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